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Agree Before You Disagree

Leading a workshop on conflict resolution, I said, "Sometimes people just want to vent. When you allow them to vent you can actually prevent conflict."

My partner in the workshop looked at me in affirmation, "You're absolutely right," then turned to the participants and said, "And there's some recent research that shows that allowing people to vent tends to escalate the conflict. So be sure to use your intuition and judgment."

My partner disagreed with me in front of a group, but with the absence of hostility, few people recognized it as a disagreement. Our opinions differed by about 180 degrees, yet she knew how to express her opposition without making me look or feel stupid.

Too often people think the only way to be right is to make other people wrong. A less experienced leader might have used this as an opportunity for one-upmanship and blurted something like, "Aren't you aware of the recent research that refutes that old way of thinking?"

Had she openly disagreed with me, people might have respected her for her expertise, but in all likelihood, they would have rallied around me as though I were an emerging butterfly whose wing tip had been damaged. Whenever you take the opportunity to make someone else look good, it makes you look even better.

Conflicts are a great source of ways to make people look good. If you find yourself in a disagreement, don't waste your time counting to ten. Instead, take a few moments to find a point of agreement.

Here's an example from the same workshop. "Let's take a break," my partner said just when I was getting ready to make an important point.

Everybody likes to take a break so I said, "Absolutely, we all need a break", then added, "and before we do, there's one more thing I want to discuss." Without making her wrong, I completely disagreed with her.

You'll find many ways to agree before you disagree. Look for something to acknowledge. Almost always, you can agree with part of what has been said. Consider using some of these phrases to segue into your opposing opinion:

• You are so right, and...
• Exactly, and...
• I think your instincts are correct, and...
• I appreciate your insight, and...
• Wow! What an interesting point!
  

What if the other person is so wrong, so far from the truth that you completely disagree? I assert that you can still find something to agree with. Respect their truth. A simple yes will suffice. Or acknowledge with an innocuous phrase such as:

• Now I understand where you're coming from.
• I admire your passion.
• I appreciate your viewpoint.
• There's a fresh perspective!
• I can see you've really thought about this.

Or consider saying, "This is really important to you, isn't it?" It's a simple way to get your opponent to agree with you and you can start building from "yes".

Once you've acknowledged the opposing viewpoint, don't destroy the good will you've established by using the word "but". "I see where you're coming from, but..." negates the statement you just made and tends to raise hackles.

It's amazing how quickly the word but can wipe out rapport and foster defensiveness. People automatically feel like they aren't being heard. Like a broken record they reiterate their opinion, fruitlessly searching for an endorsement.

So kick the "but" habit. Practice "kicking buts" with your friends and then move on to more difficult encounters. Words like "however", "yet" and "although" can be just as stifling to healthy disagreement.

If someone says, "You're so right, but we haven't looked at the marketing reports! it's very different from "You're so right, and once we look at the marketing reports we'll be able to implement your plan." Using the word "and" instead of "but" goes a long way toward fostering an atmosphere of agreement and collaboration.

To hold respect for another's opinion seems simple. Too often I see people bite their tongue and refuse to embark on healthy disagreement. Withholding your opinion isn't as productive as expressing it with an eye on win-win solutions.

You can pat yourself on the back for controlling what comes out of your mouth. The problem is that your body is a mirror of your thoughts and people get the gist of what you're thinking anyway. So the real challenge is not only to control what comes out of your mouth, but to take control of your thoughts. This isn't always easy because it means choosing to look for ways to honor and agree with others.

One way to honor another's opinions is to avoid anything that implies that you are a better judge than they themselves are. Avoid giving orders, making threats, moralizing and giving advice.

Another thing to avoid in your disagreements is anything that puts people down. That includes criticizing, passing judgment, ridiculing, blaming, and name calling.

To stop putting others down, begin with yourself. Your own internal critic can be the most damaging of all and the most difficult to muzzle. When you take control of the internal chatter and stop trashing yourself, all that practice will make it a lot easier to honor the opinions of others.

Martha Lasley is the author of this column and a business coach at Leadership that Works, a firm that offers training and coaching for individuals and companies.

E-mail or call her at 570-297-2270. She specializes in enhancing performance to reach business and career goals.

© 1999 Leadership that Works