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Dealing with Toxic People in the Workplace—Turning Complaints into Requests
Every work place has its chronic complainers. In fact, most organizations have a resident expert or two. You know who they are. They’re the ones who tell you in painstaking detail what’s wrong with every department, every individual, every decision. They plan their day, their coffee breaks and lunches by drifting from one ear to another honing their ability to pick apart what’s wrong - with the company, with their coworkers, with politics, with life.
It’s often easy to find fault, sometimes not so easy to find solutions. Worse yet, some complainers can carry a charged air of toxicity that fosters a sense of hopelessness and despair. The old axiom, "I can’t complain; nobody would listen," would be great if only it were true! The problem is, there are far too many people willing to listen, willing to commiserate, willing to share being a victim.
Noticing what’s wrong takes talent. It is a skill that has the capacity to discover opportunity and create change. However, criticism for the sake of criticism is wasted talent. It takes more than natural talent to make meaningful contributions. It takes wisdom, too. Ironically, these expert complainers rarely make the leap between identifying problems and coming up with meaningful solutions.
As a manager or team leader, when coworkers spend an undue amount of time complaining, it may be symptomatic of a larger issue. Perhaps they feel powerless and don’t know how to ask for what they need. Underneath the judgment, evaluations, opinions and evidence, learn to listen between the lines for their covert request. Get the complainer to state their desire directly by asking, "What is your request?" No matter where you are in the hierarchy of your organization, you can train others to turn their complaints into requests. In addition, you are empowering them to own their problems and to actively participate in their own solutions.
When you become consistent in requesting, the complainer will either avoid you or start thinking of solutions. Best case scenario, you’ve turned a problem-maker into a problem-solver. Worse case scenario, they find someone else’s energy to drain. If the complaint is about Jones, ask, "What do you need to ask Jones to do?" Other questions to try might be:
- What do you want?
- How can you fix that?
- What are you going to do about it?
- Where can you start?
- Who can help you with that?
- How can I help?
Provide a chronic complainer the opportunity to shift their perspective by offering them the gift of your feedback. If you want to turn your complaint about behavior into a request, it’s important that you specifically ask for the behavior you expect in return. Perhaps what they are really seeking is a feeling of inclusion and using collusion as a means of achieving that desire. Perhaps complaining is their way of feeling superior to others or has them feel like the resident "expert" or provides them with a sense of belonging.
Yet, they may be clueless as to the real impact their complaining is having - on you, on their coworkers, on the company, on their performance reviews. Your honest feedback could be a great gift to them. At the least, it certainly will be for you, because you’ve closed that door for future exchanges of chronic negativity. It’s important to always assume good intent - even when it’s extremely difficult to do so. Assume that the content of what the complainer is complaining about often has little, if anything, to do with their "real" complaint. Remember, a complaint is often and simply an unspoken request.
It’s also not helpful to make vague requests to "change you attitude" or "straighten up". It’s not enough to ask people to stop certain behaviors. Too often when you ask people to stop doing something, they replace the bad behavior with a worse behavior. Request what you want, not what you don’t want. Be specific about what you want. Don’t expect someone else to read your mind. Keep it simple. Keep it direct. Keep it impersonal. Keep it about their behavior, not who they are as a person.
Sometimes when you ask, "What is your request?" the answer is simply, "I just want to complain!" That’s the time to make your own request, "I’ll give you three minutes to vent, to let off steam, to get this off of your chest. In return, I request that you be willing to either participate in finding a solution or to stop your complaining if no viable solution is available. Do you agree to my request?"
Furthermore, every request has four possible replies
- Yes
- No
- I have a counter offer
- I’ll get back to you on that
Train your coworkers or employees on making requests. Let them know what the four possible answers are. And when you make a request, stay open to the answer. Be willing to hear something other than "yes." A counter offer could lead to a productive discussion that could then lead to a solution, hence no more complaint! Powerful requesting almost always leads to a win-win solution.
One of the best ways to stop someone’s incessant complaining is to model the behavior you expect. Yes, that may mean cutting down on your own complaining. Notice where your behavior falls short of your own personal standards of "walking your talk." The train of complaining is an easy ride we all hop on once in a while. When you notice yourself "going there," simply get off at the next stop! Earn the reputation of someone who is always solution-focused, instead of problem-focused. Be the trendsetter for your company. When people throughout the organization develop good requesting skills, the culture changes from one of hopelessness to one of expanding the possibilities.
Sometimes there is no solution to a complaint. "I hate all this rain!" is an example. If it’s still raining, and there is no way to change the weather, there is no request to make. You can explore the options, but suppose moving to Phoenix isn’t possible? Get the complainer to agree there is no viable solution to the problem, and ask them to stop complaining. Better yet, use the "there is no solution" as a springboard to creatively explore solutions from "outside of the box." Perhaps there IS a solution, but no one has asked the magic question for uncovering it. Make magic happen. Set the example. Be the benchmark. Request powerfully!
Martha Lasley is the author of this column and a business coach at Leadership that Works, a firm that offers training and coaching for individuals and companies.
E-mail or call her at 570-297-2270. She specializes in enhancing performance to reach business and career goals.
© 1999 Leadership that Works